whistling on my grave

Waking up today morning I found myself occupied by a state of indifference. Comfortably numb safely tucked into my cocoon of confusion. I had nothing to look forward to but another jejune day. Realizing I was out of cigarettes I ran to the nearest shop to buy a pack. I was heavily dependent on nicotine to keep me numb. I loved smoking. I’m not one of those smokers when confronted with the question of whether they smoke answer reluctantly that they do and with a heavy face confess that they’ve been trying to quit. I embrace the fact that my lips are forever wedded to this thin stick of soothing redemption! I’m not so favorably inclined to the other vices and I have my reasons. What I believe is this. A cigarette to me is the only thing u can expect something from and actually receive it. No other vice or virtue to me does the same. Alcohol could get you too high and a session of lovemaking could always tilt towards disappointment, falling in love could lead to betrayal. Ah but the cigarette. What u need is what you get. Nothing more nothing less… yes it kills eventually… but then again what doesn’t…love …success…fear…death…life…. in this case though the understanding is mutual. The cigarette is like a passionate lover. For the 5 minutes that u devour it. It burns for you. It dies for you. It lives for u and you alone. The understanding is mutual.if only people were cigarettes!! Now buying my pack from the same person I’ve been buying my pack fro for the past three years I realize that I’ve never asked him his name. Never smiled at him. Never said hello to. He was taken for granted. I turned around and asked him his name and went on to have a rather pleasant conversation with him about how the roads badly needed tarring. It didn’t matter to me I doubt it did to him either. It was pleseant all the same.

I drove back home bracing myself to confront the parent who I hardly spoke to anymore and then the words of a lady in a tom hanks movie reverberated in my head “ I didn’t leave because of the shouting I left because of the silence” it played on in my head. And I smiled a wry smile picturing myself on a date with the old lady. We’d have a lot to talk about. Reaching home I hurriedly got to my morning routine of making black coffee, which I couldn’t live without everyday. After my consumption of this bitter concoction I lit my first cigarette and resided myself on my throne with a copy of aeneid by Virgil trying to make sense of his take on life whilst I answered the call of nature. Halfway through the cigarette someone whistling a tune from somewhere outside struck me. I craned my ears and was awestruck when I realized that it was a bird of some sort humming away to glory. I sat transfixed mesmerized listening to this tune.it was like the bird was humming a bollywood tune it couldn’t get out of its head. It sounded pure sounded clear sounded wonderful. I sat listening. Finally it fluttered away leaving me in a state of absolute wonderment that lit in me a lust for my keyboard. I wonder what the bird was singing about. Or whom was it singing to. Was it singing bout world peace or America’s war on Iraq? Was it singing about Elvis or beavis or butthead? Was it singing for love or despair or death? Was it singing to you or me or her? To whoever or whatever it was singing. I am but grateful to it. For a memory divine. For words forgotten. For thought provoking and for making me fall in love with my country all over again for these minor specks of beauty withered around it. I am happy today for a bird sang on my grave today!!!

cries from a jet plane

It took me a long time to write again... I pondered and wondered over topics and lies and hazy interpretations... her picture kept dancing on my stage but I ignored her for fear of being my clichés. Ignorance has gotten me alas but only so far. She bounces around in the walls of my mind relentlessly. I’m in love. Its scary, its cliché. What’s wrong what’s right. I was numb until the stones u threw struck me. Drawing blood feeling pain... painfully... finally. U jumped my bones u deemed me redemption. I’m being poetic in an essay. I’m confused so is this thing that I write. It’s neither here nor there. It’s a maybe..."whatever" u keeps screaming. One of those stones u threw at me along the way. I don’t care I can feel now...I’m drunk on wine and mind and thought and lips I never kissed...don’t blame me for not being there. I want it as much as u...1000 kms and more they have a price tag. Hate it or love I cant but ignore it... I’d cross-seas for u (if my dad bought me a ship) I’d walk miles for you (if dad bought me a butler) I’d fly skies for you (if dad bought me a jet plane). Want is alas just a dream...fulfillment comes with a price. I’m already in debt let me pay them let me walk alone.... I’ll come patience counts, patience drowns. Choices aren’t easy to come by... and even when they do come by they’re too hard to make.
I’m scared. You made me feel fright. What am I scared of? Of being disloyal. I love you too much to lose you. Would it help id I never had you? Then I’d just be a walking zombie. Wandering through boulevards of regrets. Smiling at memories of you strewn along the way. I hate writing about you. You fill up my head and my senses like that song somebody sang. I’m bound in a prison chained to your lips. I hate it. I love it. I could write a million promises and doubts but dig me deep and I know I can’t run. I’ll come for you and all the dreams that you dreamed in me. Wanting to be the man that you saw in me. Doubt is of course my baggage for life but chase you I will. Am I too fucked up for you? That’s for you to answer. I’ll have to accept it that you’ve checked in to my head for life. You’re there singing songs and strumming guitars. “Every place I go I think of you, every song I sing I sing for you” – john Denver makes sense. Why does this frustrate me so? Do I have a fear of being happy? The question keeps ringing in my head. How long? Will we be this way forever? Sitting by your side looking at the seine sipping on coffee I never understand reading a book I cannot read because I’m too busy reading my life in your eyes, that’s what I want. We will get there. Hurdles are waiting to be jumped across and mountains are hoping to be climbed over. You’re waiting to be kissed. So I better get to it. Hold on for me I’ll be there soon. me, my ship and my butler together we’ll be leaving soon on a jet plane and john Denver will be singing from his grave!!

cliche romeo

to need u so much to feel all this want...such overated cliches
i'm livin in one ..acceptance is my way of life
i dont care nemore for rhyme and rhythm
all i have is this guilt.. for having wanted more
i have u do i need more ?
doubt hangs in the air ..i've heeded it too much this serpent of mine
i feared i didnt love u although conviction denied it
but my doubts cleared i tell u
i think of you now ..the spirits have held me captive
but confined in this prison i dream for ur lips
ur my hope ur my freedom my saviour in a plaid skirt
this is my story urs is forgotten but my cravings ne'er cease
ur breath ur smile ur lips i frame from hazy pictures
dont patronize dont realize just let this be its just my freakin analogy
u made me feel guilt ..u made me feel.. no longer numb u hold my string i'm ur puppet
pull them right pul them wrong i'll dance to ur tunes
words should ne'er end ne'er for u..ur my apocalypse ur my jesus
save me from death and save me from life
shed tears for me and ask me why
i wont die i promise i wont die

love song

i love u i think of u non stop
maybe i'm just hallucinaing like i always do
maybe ur different like i always do
they smile at u and i'm fakin my love like i always
nooo contradict me gimme my hope back
ur mine arent u wont u run like u promised chase me like u promised
i'm drunk on u and on liquor what inspires me more i've yet to configure
dont hate me ever never i need u for now maybe forever
i'm scared for u for me ur mine arent u
never leave never say u wont love
u just did it hurts it frighhtens it terrifies
live for me breathe for me i do for u
temporary maybe i dont care y do u
i'll stay if u just chase random i am drunk i am
in love i am with u
fuck u its no longer about poetry not about love
more selfish "just me and u" just me and u
stay it'll be just me and u... a promise

dilemma

to wait for empathy and to hold for sacrifice
waiting for destruction of critiscm by my own emphatic mind
watchin myself doubtin correcting myself
and examplary analysis of my being
why this frail and passion devoid correction of myself to an ignorant world
stop cease never hath happened never will
just a prodigal son running through a forest of hope
finding solace in victories of minute acceptances and deemable actions
watch me onnn i'll soar someday i'll fly someday
hope i'm wedded to faith i'm bound to
not to a silent god nor to a vindictive world
just myself me me me me me me me
i laugh aloud at u for ur theories right or wrong
a as if car i heed fake attention
ur not me nor willl u have ever the grace or eccentricity to fake it
bugger off u bastards of vindictive analysis ha ha ha
i laugh at u forever and never forever and never